All Squirrels Must Die!

Subject: College squirrels

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but the squirrels on college campuses are among the foulest of this foul breed. I’m currently attending Reed college in Portland, Ore., but I grew up near Poughkeepsie, N.Y., home to Vassar college.

During my childhood, my mother, a professor at that August institution, would  occasionally take the family on picnics on the Vassar campus. Whenever such an event should occur, several squirrels would gather in a ring around us and watch, waiting for the right moment to snatch a loose bit of food.

I assumed that the squirrels on the Vassar campus were a uniquely opportunistic group, but while at Reed I have noted that the squirrels share this utter disregard for the danger posed to them by humans. Perhaps these college squirrels will return to their wooded homes and spread tales of the wondrous bounty to be found among the humans. Then woe unto us all!!!!

— William in Portland, Ore.