All Squirrels Must Die!

Squirrels and Communism: The Untold Story

Many people recognize the danger posed to basic human rights by totalitarian governments with complete control over economic activity. They realize that freedom and prosperity go hand in hand. In fact, prosperity without freedom is impossible.

There are also many people in the world who believe squirrels are the spawn of Satan. They recognize the intrinsic threat posed to mankind by this scheming little vermin. Some visionaries have even called for the eradication of all squirrels to protect mankind’s future on the earth.

But these two groups of people, free market conservatives and squirrel haters, have remained distinct and often have mistrusted each other’s motives. Some political observers believe this is a leading cause of the Republican party’s inability to build a solid voter coalition.

The purpose of this essay is to show that the underlying principles of conservatism — individual freedom, property rights and the rule of law — are the same principles which animate the legions of anti-squirrel activists. Thus, enabling the Republican party to build a formidable voter coalition which will crush liberal pansies and keep liberals from destroying modern civilization.

The first similarity of conservatism to anti-squirrel activism is a strong belief in the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. The Second Amendment guarantees the right to keep and bear arms. Conservatives see this as necessary to keep tyrants at bay. And so do anti-squirrel activists. Only the tyrants anti-squirrelers wish to defend themselves against are bushy-tailed tree rat vermin.

The second similarity is a strong belief in property rights. Conservatives rightly believe that the only workable purpose of government is for it to defend life, liberty and property. Any movement outside of that limited realm will damage the rights of the individual. Property rights are at the center of preserving other rights. Without the right to control and own property, there really is no other right.

Anti-squirrel activists also recognize the importance of property rights. They see the massive damages caused by squirrels to crops, homes, power lines and other forms of public and private property as a blatant disregard for property rights by the squirrels. The bushy-tailed tree rats ignore no trespassing signs on wooded properties, and they cause extensive damage to homes by committing what would be called burglary if it were done by another animal.

The third and final similarity behind the conservative and anti-squirrel philosophies is the animating principle of freedom. Conservatives believe men should be free to pursue their own meaning in life without a government trying to supply that meaning.

Anti-squirrelers also believe in the importance of freedom. They believe they should be free to eliminate what they perceive to be the largest threat to their happiness and safety — the squirrel.

But the biggest reason for conservatives and anti-squirrelers to unite is one of historical fact. The squirrels were advisors and helpers to several communist dictators of this last century.

Josef Stalin often consulted an albino Ukrainian squirrel when conducting his awful purges that left millions dead. Although the squirrel’s origin and final fate are unknown, his existence is indisputable. Stalin’s biographer made particular mention of the squirrel who he believed responsible for Stalin’s haphazard implementation of communism.

It is also well-documented historical fact that Mao Zedung, a Chinese communist dictator, was especially fond of squirrels. In his “Little Red Book” of communist slogans and quotations, one can find ample evidence of collusion with squirrels.

One quotation reads, “Our bushy-tailed brethren will help the proletariat rise up and break the chains of capitalism with which they are bound.”

Chairman Mao’s “Cultural Revolution,” which was meant to purge the communist party of dissidents, was the plan of a Szechuan Province Gray Squirrel, who also helped Mao defeat the Kuomintang Chinese Nationalists in 1949. Historians estimate that as many as 100 million Chinese were killed or starved to death during the Cultural Revolution. And much of China’s cultural heritage and historical beauty were wiped out of existence because of these devious bushy-tailed machinations.

Think about it. One squirrel was responsible for the deaths of perhaps 100 million people.

In conclusion, pro-freedom conservatives and anti-squirrel activists have much in common. I am confident that if these two disparate factions recognize their intrinsic similarities and unite as a voting block, it will create an electoral realignment more powerful and lasting than the realignment which took place as a result of the Great Depression and FDR’s New Deal. And anti-squirrel activists would certainly be closer to their ultimate objective to wipe out the bushy-tailed vermin.

Kurt
Manassas, Va.