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Squirrels: Cute Critters or Harbingers of the
Apocalypse? Thy kingdom shall be crushed by
a fluffy tail
—anonymous
It is said, throughout Christian
theology, that ?The meek shall inherit the earth?. It is common to
assume that ?the meek? are down trodden and underprivileged humans. That
these meek humans will rise up, creating a sort of Marxist paradise,
ridding the world of greed, hunger and strife. This is not so.
It is true, that the meek shall
inherit the earth, but not in the form of humans creating a workers
paradise, but of rodents creating a hedonistic orgy of ?bright eyes and
bushy tails?. Carnal squirrel lust, will no longer be sequestered to the
back rooms and alleys of inner cities, but will be seen in supermarkets,
highways, and malls, and yes schools, all over America. These creatures,
will beholden to no one, save the Crimson King himself. This is
happening now, and it must come to an end. Squirrelsexuals,
TransSquirrelsexuals, nut addicts, widespread scampering, these are what
you and I will come to see as common place if nothing is done. Our
children must be saved from what some squirrel lovers will say is
natural and normal.
The Times they are a Changing
—
Bob Dylan
With the Millennium fast
approaching, several problems will surface. If the world religions and
calendars are correct, the next several years will bring about some
enormous changes, Both economic and spiritual, and behind this oncoming
chaos, will be the squirrel.
The Millennium bomb will crash our
computers, quite possibly sending our world economic structure into a
tail spin. Some say this will result in people working for peanuts (a
squirrel delicacy!).
The messiah will return and pass
judgment and alien intelligence will make their presence known. What
will these supreme beings think when the ambassador for the human race
approaches in gray shag, strung out from a four night acorn bender? When
judgment day is upon us do you want this to be our representative?
The biggest trick the Devil
ever played was convincing us to ignore the squirrel
—
anonymous
Each day we are bombarded by
images of violence, sex, love, hate, and yes squirrels. None of these
are as dangerous as the squirrel. All of these images are stored into
our collective psyche, desensitizing us to outrages and evil
shenanigans. We begin to look at things that should shock and horrify us
as normal and everyday. How many squirrels did you see today, yesterday,
last week? More than you can count I imagine, and that is the Great
Naughty Demons plan!
On any given day, we encounter
more squirrels than supportive God fearing loved ones. Everyday we see
these fury denizens of Hades, scampering and chasing each other (lust
stuffing their cheeks with food (gluttony fighting over scraps (coveting
thy neighbors bread crust) and most horrific, running up tree trunks,
stopping only half way, and frantically running around and then back
down, continuing this charade with tree after tree after tree.
Goethe, considers the devil The
God of Negative action? What Goethe means is that the Devil is the god
of non action, never allowing us to achieve our goals. The squirrel,
personifies this notion with its erotic and evil, Half-tree dance?
With this conditioning, which
starts at birth, we begin to see the squirrel lifestyle as not only cute
and normal but as desirable and even, at worst, an ideal, positive human
quality. How many times have you or someone you know, been praised for
being "Bright eyed and Bushy tailed?" Even our employers, educators and
lovers are infested with this vile, contemptible world view. The Devil
is in the details, some say. However a growing number of us believe, the
Devil is in the tree tops, raiding the bird feeders, and scavenging
nuts.
We are the Champions
—
Freddie Mercury
The battle may seem hopeless. You
may feel that the end is near. You may want to just give in to the these
cute, cuddly creatures. I say NO! These rodents of despair can be
overcome, there power over us limited and can be broken.
God has given us Americans,
because of our inbred ass kickin' nature, the right to bear arms.
Squirrels are almost powerless against an onslaught of semi automatic
rifle fire, and scatter grenades. Given the proper planning, entire
colonies can be destroyed in a few short hours. But be careful, these
critters will run away at the first sign of trouble, so you must be
quick.
For those without the know how or
sufficient alcohol to conduct a major military offensive against this
scourge, cars are also very effective in the fight against the great
enemy. Squirrels, and there smaller, more sinister cousin the chipmunk,
are both drawn to the hum of an automobile engine. Driving at moderate
to high rates of speed, down semi wooded areas will most certainly help
curb the ever growing threat of Squirrel domination in your area.
Now both of these methods will
help on a local level, but the real threat needs to be tackled by
governmental bodies. Our collective world governments, have access to
toxic, Squirrel Killing chemicals, as well as to vast underground
bunkers filled with government issue acorns. My plan entails coating
these acorns with toxic chemicals, and distributing them to senior
centers around the globe. Senior citizens, who through years of
kindness, have gained the trust of the squirrels, will now bring down
upon them the Wrath of God! This trust will be the squirrels ultimate
down fall. For the while the seniors are spending their Sunday feeding
the evil Devil spawn, they will be unknowingly sowing this toxic seed,
ensuring that the entire world population of squirrels is decimated
beyond recovery.
I will take you home.
—
Brent Mydland
We, as humans, do have the power
to over come, to straighten what is crooked, and to bring the sinners to
salvation. Though the hour is dark, and the battle seems hopeless, we
have God on our side. We will come to the light, we will be safe, we
will be home again.
God Speed, lets show those rodents who's
the boss!
David
Philadelphia, Pa. |
