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Squirrels and Communism:
The Untold Story Many people
recognize the danger posed to basic human rights by totalitarian
governments with complete control over economic activity. They realize
that freedom and prosperity go hand in hand. In fact, prosperity without
freedom is impossible.
There are also many
people in the world who believe squirrels are the spawn of Satan. They
recognize the intrinsic threat posed to mankind by this scheming little
vermin. Some visionaries have even called for the eradication of all
squirrels to protect mankind’s future on the earth.
But these two groups
of people, free market conservatives and squirrel haters, have remained
distinct and often have mistrusted each other’s motives. Some political
observers believe this is a leading cause of the Republican party’s
inability to build a solid voter coalition and take back the White
House.
The purpose of this
essay is to show that the underlying principles of conservatism --
individual freedom, property rights and the rule of law - are the same
principles which animate the legions of anti-squirrel activists. Thus
enabling the Republican party to build a formidable voter coalition
which will crush liberal pansies and keep Algore from destroying modern
civilization.
The first similarity
of conservatism to anti-squirrel activism is a strong belief in the
Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. The Second Amendment
guarantees the right to keep and bear arms. Conservatives see this as
necessary to keep tyrants at bay. And so do anti-squirrel activists.
Only the tyrants anti-squirrelers wish to defend themselves against are
bushy-tailed tree rat vermin.
The second
similarity is a strong belief in property rights. Conservatives rightly
believe that the only workable purpose of government is for it to defend
life, liberty and property. Any movement outside of that limited realm
will damage the rights of the individual. Property rights are at the
center of preserving other rights. Without the right to control and own
property, there really is no other right.
Anti-squirrel
activists also recognize the importance of property rights. They see the
massive damages caused by squirrels to crops, homes, power lines and
other forms of public and private property as a blatant disregard for
property rights by the squirrels. The bushy-tailed tree rats ignore no
trespassing signs on wooded properties, and they cause extensive damage
to homes by committing what would be called burglary if it were done by
another animal.
The third and final
similarity behind the conservative and anti-squirrel philosophies is the
animating principle of freedom. Conservatives believe men should be free
to pursue their own meaning in life without a government trying to
supply that meaning.
Anti-squirrelers
also believe in the importance of freedom. They believe they should be
free to eliminate what they perceive to be the largest threat to their
happiness and safety -- the squirrel.
But the biggest
reason for conservatives and anti-squirrelers to unite is one of
historical fact. The squirrels were advisors and helpers to several
communist dictators of this last century.
Josef Stalin often
consulted an albino Ukrainian squirrel when conducting his awful purges
that left millions dead. Although the squirrel’s origin and final fate
are unknown, his existence is indisputable. Stalin’s biographer made
particular mention of the squirrel who he believed responsible for
Stalin’s haphazard implementation of communism.
It is also
well-documented historical fact that Mao Zedung, a Chinese communist
dictator, was especially fond of squirrels. In his “Little Red Book” of
communist slogans and quotations, one can find ample evidence of
collusion with squirrels.
One quotation reads,
“Our bushy-tailed brethren will help the proletariat rise up and break
the chains of capitalism with which they are bound.”
Chairman Mao’s
“Cultural Revolution,” which was meant to purge the communist party of
dissidents, was the plan of a Sezchuan Province Gray Squirrel who also
helped Mao defeat the Kuomintang Chinese Nationalists in 1949.
Historians estimate that as many as 100 million Chinese were killed or
starved to death during the Cultural Revolution. And much of China’s
cultural heritage and historical beauty were wiped out of existence
because of these devious bushy-tailed machinations.
Think about it. One
squirrel was responsible for the deaths of perhaps 100 million people.
In conclusion,
pro-freedom conservatives and anti-squirrel activists have much in
common. I am confident that if these two disparate factions recognize
their intrinsic similarities and unite as a voting block it will create
an electoral realignment more powerful and lasting than the realignment
which took place as a result of the Great Depression and FDR’s New Deal.
And anti-squirrel activists would certainly be closer to their ultimate
objective to wipe out the bushy-tailed vermin.
Kurt
Manassas, Va. |
